Twoo Wuv

Todd and I have been married for a little over 17 years now, and we've known one another in varying degrees for the better part of 34 years. We've reached an age where a lot of our friends have married, had kids, and are beginning to divorce. Or in some cases, have already divorced and are remarrying.

I can't say that will never happen to us. Mostly because I've learned to avoid definitive statements like that. I've eaten my words far too many times after uttering "I'll never...". That being said, I genuinely like Todd. He is such a good man and I'm always so amazed at his generosity of spirit. 

The other day, I asked if I could borrow his iPod for the day so I could go running. (Technically, I own an iPod, too, but mine is big and clunky and no fun to run with. His is delightfully small AND has my running mix loaded on to it.) But he and the kids have been listening to the musical "Hamilton" on the way to school each morning. When I remembered that, I waved him off with the kids and told him that I would just run later that night when he got home or run without it during the day. No problem. 

Todd is so busy at work with meetings that we often have zero interactions throughout the day. So he leaves the house at 7:20 am, and I don't see him again until 7 pm. (You can take the businessman out of New York...) However, 20 minutes after leaving the house that morning, he pulled back in the driveway. I assumed he'd forgotten something, so I opened the front door to find him coming up the walk with his iPod, as he hurried back to his car to get to work after handing me said iPod he said, "We've listened for the morning, now you can use it to go running today!"

Such a simple little thing. But a reminder that he cares, and is willing to go out of his way when he can to make my day a little nicer.

Yesterday was a hard parenting day. (That's the second one in a week and with a different child. We haven't had those in a while, for which I'm grateful, but two in one week was tough.) I was emotionally spent by afternoon. I knew I couldn't call Todd because he's always either in a meeting or heading to one, and I didn't have the energy to craft an email about everything that had gone on and what I was feeling. But I needed to loop him in. We exchanged a few simple texts. He was having a hard day, too, though in different ways. Then last night right before bed, he gave me the last hoarded piece of his Valentine's Day chocolate and prayed wishes for an easier day today.

It takes so little to show someone you care about them. And while neither Todd nor I are perfect at anything, even and especially that, I appreciate the small and simple ways in which he tries.

If there were any secret to a happy relationship, it's those small and simple acts of caring. Those little things that say, "Hey, I was paying attention to you enough to know that you could probably use this." 

I am fortunate enough to be told daily by my husband that he loves me. I am kissed each morning as he leaves the house and each night when he comes home, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about these two small examples of caring from the last few days. They were sweet and thoughtful and unexpected and so very appreciated. 

Guess all those hearts with "MTS + EAB" drawn all over my 9th grade algebra book cover were worth it, even if I did end up having to retake the class. ;)

Sometimes "this" is a date to Jeni's for ice cream.

"If they asked me, I could write a book"

Warning: There are at least a bazillion photos in this post.  Proceed at your own discretion.

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary.  We try to do a trip to celebrate our anniversary every 5 years.  So, a couple of weeks ago we managed to time a trip perfectly in between blizzards to NYC.  It was delightful! 

Todd on the airplane.  Reveling in the super cheapness of the plane tickets I found, no doubt.

Part of a series of photos we like to call "Let's text pictures to the kids that will make them jealous!"  Us getting Jamba Juice in Penn Station is jealousy inducing.  (Though my kids are partial to the one right by the subway station at Lexington and 53rd which is our traditional breakfast when we tag along with Todd on business trips.)

We dined at Ellen's Stardust Diner where my dear friend Chris-Ian is a waiter and performer.  And if you are eating gluten free or vegetarian GET THE VEGGIE LASAGNA!!  So. Good!

We took Todd's cousin, Cameron, with us to dinner.  Because we like him.  Look at how adorable he is!

And then we went to see "Twelfe Night" which was the most satisfying theater experience I've had the pleasure to enjoy in the last decade.  It was incredible! They did everything as traditionally as they could without doing it at the Globe Theater.  I wish that every kid who has slogged through reading a Shakespeare play in high school could go see this and really understand what a Shakespeare play is supposed to be like!  It runs through the end of February. Go see it!

Quick stop at the Times Square Toys R Us to take more pictures of things that would make our kids jealous.  We're mean parents.

The next day we slept in, breakfasted late, braved the rain and went to the LDS temple at Lincoln Center.  It's so beautiful inside and such a stark contrast to the bustle and noise right outside the doors.

After the temple we headed over to the Guggenheim and saw the Christopher Wool exhibit.  This is shockingly my first time at the Guggenheim, but I am a convert!  I loved being able to experience the art up close, but then continue up or down the museum and experience it from afar.  It made me realize how much a traditional gallery set-up limits the way you can experience art.

And then off to a gluten friendly Indian restaurant where we sent another picture to our kids.  This one of Todd enjoying naan.  Benjamin would happily live off of nothing but warm naan if he were allowed to do so.

We couldn't figure out why this train was so uncrowded as we headed down to the theater for that night's performance.  Then we noticed the sleeping man.  Oh, well.  On a rainy day in the city, it's tough to find a dry place to nap.

After we saw the new musical "A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder" we splashed back up to the apartment we were staying at and put on dry clothes to cuddle on the couch for a bit before bed.

The next day we headed down to Bleeker St. where there were blocks and blocks of places that catered to the gluten free!  Two pizza places and three macaron shops all on the same street!!!  And this place. It was closed, but I like the signage.  I love the village.  

And then back to Penn Station to catch the train back to the airport.  The monitors just aren't as fun as the big flippy chart used to be, but I suppose progress is like that.

View from the train. I know it doesn't look like much, but it still looks like a piece of home to me.

It was delightful to have a trip for a few days that was just the two of us.  And even more delightful to realize that we still really like each other and were happy to spend as much time together as we could.  We have many wonderful friends and relatives in the area, but we decided that we wanted to just be us on our trip.  It was nice to feel good about that together.

Bye Bye Birdie

Warren played the part of Conrad Birdie in his high school's production of "Bye Bye Birdie". He was absolutely wonderful in the role and it was fun to see him perform the Elvis type character. And I love this picture of him!

Incidentally, this play has history for Todd and me as well. When we were teenagers and I didn't like Todd anymore, he came to see me in it. I had a crush on the boy playing Conrad Birdie, though. Also, I didn't return the favor and go see Todd's play a week later. (He was the Wizard in "Once Upon a Mattress".) He still brings it up. ;)

In Deep Smit

More of our story:

The week after our "date", Todd took the train from work and came all the way down to Princeton where I picked up him up on my way home from work.

I love Princeton, NJ. It's why I live in the town I live now. It made me addicted to the idea of a thriving main street, town square, and sense of community with history. Whenever anybody came to visit me, I was very excited to take them all over my adopted town.

I picked him up at the train station and we headed back to my apartment so I could change out of my work clothes. I groaned upon arriving at my apartment because a young man was there whom I'd been dating for years. I had been "Off" for several months, but he was still in "On". Once he announced his decision to serve a mission, I was all for that but I had no intention of not dating anyone else for two years while he was away. I'd never been the kind of girl to wait around. He was just a month from leaving for his mission, and I figured it was as good a time as any to be done. Anyway, I found his presence very inconvenient since I had a friend to play with and this young man while wonderful in many, many ways, was not what one would describe as overly playful. Climbing trees and jumping in fountains were not his sort of thing. And though I respect law abiding citizens, I was not in the mood to hang out with one that night.

Todd, bless his heart, was very nice to the young man who hung out with us for a while but eventually took the hint from my pouty and icy demeanor that he should go away. (The young man was so nice that he'd even brought me a cookie. He'd been waiting in my driveway for a little while to give me a cookie. And I was a total brat to him. I shudder at how mean I was then, and am glad that Todd was there to be nice...and that Todd didn't immediately decide that I was a heartless hag and turn heel.)

Once I changed clothes, we set off to explore my favorite town. We wandered all over the university campus and I showed Todd all of my favorite places. Like little tucked away gardens which can only be found by looking for them. You can hide back there while the movers and shakers of the world pass you by. I love it.

When we passed the U store, I insisted we go in. I was so excited when my eyes set upon some colored chalk. "Todd," I said grabbing his arm, "we need this chalk!" Inside I was begging him to understand why we would need colored chalk. When he responded with, "Yes, we do!", I wanted to pounce on him and give him a big hug for knowing how to play.

Really, so few people understand playing. It makes me sad.

So, we purchased our chalk and found a sidewalk just off campus by the train station. (We played snail for any purveyors of hopscotch like games out there.) Apparently chalk decorations are not encouraged upon the sidewalks of the Princeton University campus. From there, we wandered back across campus until we arrived at the fountain. It was dark by this time and the lights of the fountain were on. It wasn't a particularly warm night, so the fountain wasn't overly crowded, but it was pleasant.

So, pleasant that as Todd stood at the edge of the fountain, I pushed him in. And as he laughed and reached up his hand to have me help him out, he pulled me in as well. And as we sat in the water laughing, I fell in love with Todd Smith.

We laughed and squished all the way back to my apartment where we changed into dry clothes and I drove him home. We had been having some really great discussions and while stopped at a gas station he said very seriously, "Emilia?"

I kid you not when I say that I actually stopped breathing for a moment as I waited to hear what amazing and important thing he was going to so earnestly add to our discussion. At which point he held up his Snapple bottle and said, "Never settle for less than 15% juice."

I think I swatted him arm and laughed the laugh of the disappointed and slightly relieved.

While on the drive, apparently someone decided it was monsoon season in NJ and the heavens poured rain upon us the likes of which I have rarely seen. What should have taken and hour took closer to two and left me exhausted when we reached his parent's house. I ended up spending the night on a pull out sofa and borrowing some clothes from his sister so I could go to work the next day.

An unconventional end to the day, but I found myself smiling for my whole exhausting day with middle school kids, just thinking about Todd.

When I arrived home, I realized that he had left his wet clothes at my apartment the previous night. I hung them up to dry. And that evening, I crawled into bed with Todd's plaid shirt next to me like a favorite blanket. It smelled like him, so I wanted it.

In fact, I didn't wash it until a few days later when it no longer smelled like him.

And, of course, I had to see him one more time before I left for Wyoming, so I could return his clothes. Because why mail something, or just drop it by when you can use it as bait to get a boy to come back?

I am so sneaky.

June 5

After I graduated college in May, I stayed in NJ for another month to fill the permanant sub position for the job that I would be starting in the fall. It was a great chance to get to know the staff, building, and most of all the students that I would be working with the following Fall. My plan was to head out to Wyoming at the end of June and spend one last summer with my family.

I figured after that, I'd be doing grad school in the summer so there wouldn't ever be another chance. Also, to be honest, I wanted to hide in the mountains all by myself. Realistically, in order to make that no-relationship thing work, I needed to get away from everyone. Cowboys, drunks, and cousins are the only men available in my parents' small Wyoming town, so I knew it would be a safe place for me.

I received an email from Todd around this same time in which he indicated that his summer plans fell through and he would be back in NJ. So we decided to get together to "do lunch" one day. Which actually became more of a dinner thing. He was working at a law firm in Newark, but left work a little early and met me at my school where I had stayed a little late cleaning out "my" classroom.

I had giggled nervously to the band teacher that day, "Um, I think I have a date tonight. With the first boy I had a crush on. And then hated. I haven't seen him five years." The band teacher looked at me like I was a little bit crazy. We'd known one another for all of three weeks.

I met Todd out in the school parking lot, where he arrived driving his parents' blue van that I'd ridden in when we were teenagers. I smiled at the familiarity of his sillouhette as he pulled in, and when he stepped out, my first thought was, "Todd got his grown up face!" He didn't look old, but he didn't look like a boy anymore, and somehow this made me a little shy.

We hugged and he hopped into my car so we could find a place to eat. As a poor, starving college student, I didn't know of any places to eat, so we somehow ended up at Friendly's for old time's sake. (We used to go to a Friendly's after Stake Youth Dances when we were teenagers.)

This was another weird moment that completely freaked me out. As we were driving, I looked over at Todd who had those little white flecks at the corners of his mouth that marked someone who hadn't had enough to drink that day. I hate that. I've always hated that. My friend's Mom always had that and I thought it was totally gross. Here I was with a guy I hadn't seen in five years and had been mean to for a solid 8 years and the thought that went through my head was, "Hm. Could I really live with that forever?"

I immediately turned back to look at the road and asked him a question or three to get the thought out of my head. I was NOT going to end up with anyone right then. Especially NOT Todd Smith.

Dinner at Friendly's was nice. But I made every dating mistake you could make. He asked about a mutual acquaintance of ours. I had had a rather long and protracted fling with this person. And I told him the whole story. Every single gorey detail. I was a solid 20 minutes into the story when I looked at him, realized what I'd done and said, "Oh. Sorry. That was probably more than you wanted to know."

And he replied with a chuckle, "Yeah. Actually, I really just wondered what he's up to these days."

Despite this faux pas, we finished our meal and went to play at a playground and talk some more.

For me, dates should involve as many hours as possible until one party or the other passes out from sheer exhaustion or has some other pressing engagement to attend. Like work. Around 8:30pm after only about three hours together, Todd and I were both too tired to continue.

So, we said good bye, made plans for him to come down to Princeton to visit the following week, and headed off in our seperate directions. I felt all sorts of calm and well, calm which was highly unusual for me. I'm rarely calm inwardly. I put up an okay front on the outside, but inside I'm usually shrieking! Especially after spending time with a boy.

It didn't even bother me that we were done after so little time together. I told myself at the time that it was because he didn't matter to me like that.

I didn't even begin to consider that it was because Todd Smith is the calm to my crazy and the reason to my reacting.

But I smiled the whole drive home.

Our Story-Chapter 382

Let's see, where were we in the Emilia and Todd story?

I believe I was dating a couple of guys and had a dream about Todd. In fact, in a fit of extreme unpracticality, I threw all common sense out the window and flew out to BYU for a weekend to visit one of the boys I was dating. (He was not LDS. Leave it to me to find a boy who is not only 2500 miles away from me, but also one of the few non-LDS at BYU...while I'm technically dating somebody else.) One of the days that I was out there visiting, the boy was in class and I was looking for someone to play with. So, I looked up Todd Smith in the student directory, called his apartment and left a message on his machine. After all, we had been sending mostly friendly emails for months. I figured he'd be easy for amusement for a couple of hours.

He never called me back.

I should mention that at that point in life I was rather unaccustomed to boys not calling me back. So, I was rather put out that he didn't try at some point during the weekend to return my message.

He claimed several years later that he'd never received the message, but I wonder if it was a small triumph for him to not call back the girl who'd never written back...

Nah. He can't lie. He must really not have gotten the message.

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About three months later, when I was on the verge of graduating and had managed to push away every guy who was interested in me (mostly through being mean and rotten to every one of them. I'm told there are nice ways to break up with someone, but I didn't know any of them.) I was running late at night on the streets of Princeton. As I was pushing myself to jog further than usual, I was pondering where I was in my life.

None of the guys I'd dated or had flings with were who I wanted to end up with. In theory, I could have married any of them and I would have made it work because they were all very good men who loved me. But none of them was quite right. So, I ran. It was a beautiful starry night. I remember thinking about how I was really blessed to have been offered my dream teaching position before I'd even graduated and how I was really okay with not dating anyone for awhile. In fact, I thought, perhaps I'd see how long I could go without falling into any dating or even fling-type relationships. (This was major for me. I am a serial kisser. In fact, I am a big proponant of kissing first to see if you actually want to go out with a person. A terrible kisser could be gently headed off at the relationship pass. Ahem. I should probably never be put in charge of the Young Women with this attitude.)

Almost as soon as I thought the non-relationship thought, as clear as day I heard in my head, "Yeah. But what about Todd Smith?"

I had not thought about Todd in any romantic sense since I was a young teenaged girl, so this was totally out of the blue! It was so ridiculous that I could feel myself blushing at the very thought! So, I laughed out loud, shook off the ridiculous notion, and walked home feeling slightly silly at thinking such a thing. AND I hadn't even seen Todd Smith since I was 17 years old!

That was May.

Todd and I were married the following December.

I Dream of Todd

The "Y" on the mountain stands for "Yikes!".

I wrote this letter to Todd after I had a dream with him in it. I don't remember that dream now, I thought it was this one. Anyway, less than a year later and while I was dating two other men simultaneously (one per coast, thank you very much), I had this dream:

"I had a dream that I was complaining to my friend, Todd, about not knowing what to do with my life after graduation and so I jokingly asked him to marry me. Much to my surprise, he readily agreed, and we went to the temple right then. Next thing I knew, I was wandering around Provo trying to figure out how to support the two of us while he finished school. Then I found out that I was pregnant. What a nightmare!"

Seriously, I should've been a fortune teller. Why is prognostication not offered as a major?! Because that nightmare? That's pretty darn close to how it happened a year later!

But then it was dreams coming true.

(Except for the Provo part. That is my enduring nightmare. [creepy shivers up my spine])

The Saga Continues...

I know.

The story of me and Todd is taking way too long to tell. In my defense, we've known each other for most of our lives, so it's difficult to encapsulate it.

If you need/want to catch up, go here. If not, we'll jump right in:

Here was the letter I wrote to Todd in March of 1997. He'd been on a mission for two years, and had written to me. But I never wrote back.

"Dear Todd,

Okay, so it's been a few years since last we communicated, but you have been a very difficult person to reach. I won't say that I have tried my best to find you, but I certainly have tried. I received a letter from you when you were in the MTC. I was very excited to hear from you and wrote an immediate reply. Unfortunately, you had put your home address on the envelope, so the letter just sate there. A few months later, I was helping out at Region II Chorus Auditions and saw your brother. He admitted that he did not know your addressoff the top of his head, but he would send it to me. I then gave him my address and went away feeling that all was well.

He never sent it.

I then saw your mother two months later at the Region II concert and asked her for it. She didn't know it either, but promised to send it to me as well.

She never sent it.

I began to regard this as a conspiracy, and so I didnt' do anything about it for a while. When I would talk to friends at BYU I would ask them if they knew how to reach you, but nobody did.

[blah blah I go on to tell him I finally found someone who had it but then I got mono and was too sick to do anything, let alone write and send a letter, and then I realized that he was home from his two year long mission. Oops.]

So, that is the story, Todd Smith. It came to a head last night when you were in my dream. So, I am writing this missive which you should have received well over two years ago and with it I send apologies for not trying harder. I think it all comes from deep seeded guilt. I've been trained my whole life to write to missionaries and I have failed miserably with you. It would be nice to talk with you again, though. I want to know how the last two years have been for you.

I hope this letter finds you well. Please don't take as long to respond to this letter as I did in responding to yours."

And then I included my email address and we started emailing. Not a lot. Very casually. Mostly sending jokes back and forth from BYU to TCNJ with a few "hey, what's up with you?" thrown in. I was seriously dating some other guy at the time...well, as serious as you can be dating someone while simultaneously having several flings. But that's another story all together.

Tomorrow I will post the dream I referred to in the letter. It's very interesting, all things considered.

More of us

It was negative temperatures here today. But the sun was out!

I am freezing, but the laptop is keeping me warm, so rather than put it down and do something productive, I will continue with the story of us.

I flew back to NJ after my weekend at BYU and got right back into life, which mostly involved lots of singing and lots of boys. Todd and I continued exchanging a few letters and then I got all caught up in the fact that my family was moving out to WY and I had decided to stay in NJ for college.

I'd dated and broken up with two or three guys that school year, with never more than a week or two in between. I had figured out how dating worked. Long gone were my nervous and shy days around a potential boyfriend. Summer began and I had my sights set on yet another boy, and went off to college the following fall still thinking about him.

Being the loyal creature that I am, about a week into college I tumbled head over heels in love with someone completely different. A dear friend of mine was leaving on a mission for our church, so I was busy writing and receiving letters from him while he was at the Missionary Training Center learning how to speak Spanish. In one of his letters he mentioned that Todd Smith was also there learning Portuguese so he could go to Brasil for two years. I was a little surprised at the news, but thought it was great and immediately thought about how I should write to Todd. All missionaries love letters!

I got busy with school and my boyfriend and my social life, and sort of forgot about it until one day I received a letter from Todd Smith in my mailbox! I was very excited to get it and immediately set out to write a reply. I did, but then when I went to put the address on it, I realized that he'd given me his old home address instead of the mission address. Which was silly. So, I set the letter aside, feeling slightly perturbed at Todd for getting in the way of my good deed for him.

The letter sat there for two years.

To make it worse, he sent me a few more letters. But none with his address included.

I promise that I did try to get his address. But that's a story for tomorrow.

I was so amazingly awful to him. It still shocks me to think about it. I guess there are good things about boys being slightly oblivious. ;)

The Continuing Story of Us

Last year in the dead of winter, I made lists of all of my former crushes. And I've updated throughout the year. I figured this winter I would finish writing about the story of me and Todd.

I believe when last I typed, I was being furious with Todd for ruining my chances with the guy that I liked. (Incidentally, that guy joined me in making fun of Todd for the rest of forever. He and I would smirk at one another and refer to irritating Toads for years. It's even mentioned in the High School yearbook. Who knew that would come back to haunt me? The ribbing I received from him when I became engaged to Toad-I mean, Todd- was embarrassing.)

Anyway, life went on.

I was still mean to Todd every time I saw him, but he continued to think of me as a friend. I thought briefly about inviting him to the Junior Prom with me because I knew he'd be good at being friendly to all my friends and he was fun to dance with. But, I didn't want anyone [read: his parents or mine] to think that I liked him again. Because I didn't.

At the end of my Junior year, I realized that Todd Smith was going off to college. I wouldn't have him around to harass anymore at Stake Youth Activities. I was surprised to realize that this made me sad. Actually, it's difficult to say that it was just him. Most of my favorite friends from church were leaving that year, so I was sad and moody in general at the thought of everyone heading off to BYU.

So, I wrote letters. To all of them. Even Todd. And he wrote back. We didn't exchange a lot of letters. But enough that when I went out to audition at BYU my senior year, Todd bounded over to the dorm where I was staying to talk to me. I was too tired to really talk, but the next day he arranged for me to come listen to The BYU Men's Chorus in which he sang tenor.

Let me tell you how it feels to sit in a room full of 300 men with gorgeous singing voices if you are a choir geek. I was Breathless. I was practically swooning before they got through their warm ups. Afterwards, several of my friends came bounding up the stairs to say hello. They hadn't known I was at the school, but being the only girl in a room full of 300 men is a good way to be shown attention. Todd waited patiently as I talked to each of them. As we left, one of the guys that I'd long adored walked with Todd and I for awhile. I adored this guy. If he'd asked me to marry him right then and there, I would have said, "Who needs to graduate High School anyway?" and run off with him. But there was Todd. Still standing there. Right next to us.

After realizing that I'd been ignoring him for more than 15 minutes, Todd announced he had to go and it was nice seeing me, was I busy the next day, etc? I don't even remember what I said, because I was so busy trying to stare at the adorable smile and dimpled cheeks of the guy I really wanted.

Todd left. And I felt relieved.

We did have lunch the next day, though I don't remember any other details. I know we walked around campus a little and talked. About what, I have no idea. But I left thinking that Todd Smith was easy to be around now. And how nice that was...except when I wanted him to go away so I could be swept into the arms of someone else.

NJ All-State Chorus

The further chronicles of Todd and Emilia, the teenage years:

I spent the rest of my sophomore year of high school being mean to Todd Smith.  Not terrible mean.  But biting, scathing, sarcastic mean.  Which he took as friendly.

Boys. [insert eye rolling]

So, Todd became more friendly towards me and would seek me out to talk to me at meetings and dances.  Because I was mean to him and didn't want him around anymore.   He even came to see the musical I was in that spring.  (I did NOT go to see his.  A fact that has been brought up several times in our marriage.)

Throughout my sophomore year, I discovered many other people on which to have massive crushes.  Maybe "many" is overstating it a bit.  I remember two.  One of them was more plausible than the other, but I was desperately shy.

There are those of you who have only known me in adulthood.  I can assure you that outside of my own little circle of comfort I was debilitatingly shy.  I wouldn't call people on the phone until I was 10 or 11, and only then if they were my very best friends.  I was so shy about talking to strangers that once when my parents wanted me to place my own order at McDonald's (I think I was 8 or 9 at the time) I responded by bursting in to tears.  The summer in between my sophomore and junior year of high school I went to live and work in Wyoming.  I lived in the apartment which adjoined my grandparent's house and worked in the hardware store partially owned and soley operated by my Uncle Garth.  I realized upon arrival that for all the time I had spent in Wyoming, I had been to shy for anyone to actually know me.  So, I decided that shyness was a choice.  And I was going to choose to not be shy anymore.  I talked to everyone that summer.  I was still more quiet than most, but for me it was quite an acheivement.  Granted, some of my conversations were more prudent than others, but still, it was a big deal for me.

When I returned to NJ, I decided that life would be different.  I could carry some of my new found not-shyness back to school with me.  And I did.  Which is why it was so delightful that one of the boys I had a crush on was the only boy from my school to have also been selected for the NJ All-State Chorus.  And I was the only girl.  We would travel together to rehearsals on Saturdays.  Neither one of us said a whole lot, now that I think about it, but it was still more than I had ever said coherantly to an almost stranger that I had a crush on.  I suppose we were getting to know one another in a slow and quiet way.  One night after a Halloween party, he offered to drive me home.  I accepted and we ended up driving for a couple of hours before we made it back to my house.  Just talking.  Quietly.   

All-State Chorus culminated in a weekend down in Atlantic City where we performed at the NJ Teacher's Convention.  This boy and I were the only two from our school to be down there.  Did I mention that?  Our friends whispered that THIS could be the weekend.  Two relatively shy people practically alone (with 300 other choir members)!  Surely, under those circumstances we would figure something out?!

I don't remember the bus ride down to Atlantic City at all now.  Did we sit together?  I can't remember now.  But we tried to coordinate meals and walking from the hotel to the rehearsal site together.   I remember the fluttery feeling of walking down the stairs of the hotel with him, when Todd Smith came bounding up to me like an excited puppy.  I was predictably mean to him in the hopes that he would go away and allow me to make doe eyes at my crush.  As usual, my meanness made him stick to me like glue.  For the ENTIRE weekend.  There was only one moment where crush and I stood closer than necessary to one another.  I was sitting on the rail of the boardwalk and he leaned his back into me while I put my arms around him.  Every time I hear the creak and smell that smell of a black leather jacket, that's the moment I think of.  A moment, I should add, that we only got because I sneaked out of the hotel purposely to avoid Todd Smith.

Our case was not helped by the fact that there was a very cute girl flitting around my crush when I wasn't around.  But I choose to blame Todd for the fact that we never ended up together.

Which meant that I spent the rest of that year treating Todd Smith with even GREATER disdain than I previously had.  When I got home from my weekend away, my Dad asked about Todd.  I made a disparaging comment about his singing voice.  My Dad said, "Well, he got in.  He must be good."  I shot back a viscious "Oh, please.  He's a tenor.  They don't have to be good.  They just have to have a pulse."  

And then I stormed up to my room.  (It's choir geek vindictiveness.  Trust me.)

I will say that it turned out for the best.  The crush and I ended up going to the same college and even eventually lived together.  He was a good roommate.  I would have missed that if we'd dated.

Pals

More of me and Todd, the teenage version.  I know you've been breathlessly awaiting further installments. 

From my journal 9/24/91:

This year is looking up.  I'm on the Stake Youth Council [That meant I got to help plan all the dances and activities that I had spent the previous year going to for the sole purpose of flirting with Todd.  Todd was also on the Stake Youth Council, which did not excite me my sophomore year, because I was older and wiser.  So much older and so much wiser.  ;)]  I'm getting good grades so far, and I came to the happy realization that I'll never be more than pals with Todd.  Not even friends.  Just PALS.

Summer 1991

The summer after my freshman year of high school was very fun.  I was all done with Todd Smith and a new, wiser teenager had resulted from my first knock down drag out unrequitted crush.

We went to Cape Cod, Mass as soon as school was out for what had become a mostly annual camping trip for our family.  I went on long bike rides, made friends with fellow teenage campers, read books next to the campfire, swam with turtles in the lake and spent as much time as possible either in or on the water.  It was a wonderful trip.  We had some other friends from NJ join us and their teenagers and I romped and swam and canoed all over the lakes, as well.  Mostly, I pointedly did not think about Todd.  Because everything I did, I just thought about how ridiculous I had been.   

Later that summer, we drove out to Wyoming.  There was much hiking and visiting and playing with cousins.  Also a wonderful trip.  Here's a journal entry from that experience:

August 15, 1991:

"I left NJ planning on having a rotten time in WY, but when I got here I realized that it really wasn't worth it.  My family won't be moving out here until I graduate from High School, so I no longer feel threatened.  I've taken lambs and llamas for walks while I've been here.  So, that's been an experience I wouldn't have back home.

Now, on to the good stuff.  Todd Smith called while I was here!  [He called my house in NJ.  The person staying there told me.]  Drat.  I do wonder what he wanted!  I think my problem with guys is that as soon as I meet someone, I see us married with kids.  It puts too much pressure on a friendship.  I'm almost mad that Todd called.  I was just starting to convince myself that I really didn't care."

Back in the Day

And now we return to our regular programming.

My journal from June 14, 1991:

"Kurt Bestor was the speaker at Youth Conference.  Spiritually, it was wonderful.  Socially, it was a flop. (For me and Todd.)  I let my temper get the better of me this weekend.  I realized he doesn't like me.  He doesn't even like a lot of the things I like.  On the way home from Youth Conference, I was in a rotten mood so Bishop Smith said, "Don't worry, Emilia.  All boys are gravy-suckin' slime balls."  I don't know what it even means.  But it made me feel better."

Two weeks later on July 1, 1991:

"I just apologized to my Mom and everybody else for my behavior over the past 6 months.  I've been such a dip!  It is definitely the end of an era.  I've even packed away all of the banners and countdowns in a big manila envelope.  What better way to start the summer?"

See?  I was ALL DONE with that Todd Smith.

It had been short and sort of sweet and was a learning experience which left me free to go on and find other boys to adore with my new found knowledge of what NOT to do.

Incidentally, I still refer to dumb boys as gravy suckin' slime balls.  And I still don't know what it means.  And it still makes me feel better.  

TEN YEARS

We are going to pause in our regular programming of me posting my embarrassing journal entries written about Todd. But here's a silly picture of him:


In case you aren't sure how the story ends, Todd and I were married almost ten years ago on December 23. We are never letting our kids do anything that silly. Christmas is a terrible time to have an anniversary! Some years we barely acknowledge it, but we decided that every five years we'd do something "real".

I should mention that we have weather issues. The day we were married there was a big ice storm. It took people who attended the wedding ceremony nine hours (instead of the typical 3.5 hours) to get home from Washington D.C. to NJ.

On our fifth anniversary we had a wonderful weekend in NYC. The first night it was so freezing cold that we ventured outside our hotel only long enough to get bagels for dinner, and then the next day it was pouring rain. We ended up going home early. I don't love the city in a monsoon.

Friday night, the awesome fabulous and wonderful fellow book group broad, Heather (and her hubby, of course), took my boys so Todd and I could run away for 24 hours. (Big shout out to HEATHER!!! Gimme an H!!...)

It was 15 degrees outside. And I planned for us to walk from our hotel to Latitude 41. Which I LOVED, btw. I definitely recommend it for a grown up evening out. They use local, seasonal ingredients and have a very small selection. But every single thing they offered was excellent! Here's us at the restuarant with our desserts:

(Mom, I didn't brush my hair before this picture was taken.)

After dinner we walked quickly and coldly back to the hotel along the mostly deserted city streets. (Everyone else was smart enough to stay inside that night.) I kept reminding my freezing husband that for as cold as he thought he was, I wasn't even wearing pants. He countered by reminding me that he has no body fat. We'll call it a draw.

Back at the hotel, I wanted a picture of the two of us. I have a ridiculously small number of pictures of the two of us together. So I handed him the camera and told him to do it because he has longer arms. Bless his humble heart, the man has no idea how to take self pics. Here's what happened:

"No, honey. Closer and more centered."

"Without being completely unflattering."

"Give me that!!!" "No!" "Give me that!!" "No! You can't have it!"



" It's mine because my arms are longer!!" "Yeah, well, I'm heavier than you are!"

Ha! I got it. But apparently I can't take pictures either.
That's better.

The next morning we woke up to lots of snow and wind and cold and slipped and slid all over the city for the rest of the day. I am just pointing this out to the people who cursed us while driving home from our wedding ten years ago. The curse stuck.

Saturday morning, after we'd chased a postal worker all over downtown Columbus (there's a story there, too) and we'd finally eaten, Todd asked me what I wanted to do. I responded that I had really wanted to wander all over the North Market and Short North areas. But the weather was uncooperative. Todd laughed and reminded me that I'd said the exact same thing in NYC five years ago.

I suppose it's good to have traditions.

Foreshadowing

My journal entry from May 4, 1991:

"Before the Scripture Bowl [This was an event in which all the kids who attended early morning seminary would race to see who could find a scripture the fastest based on a keyword, spiritual principle or historical reference. Because, yes, we are that kind of geeky. My ward won, btw.] started, Todd was holding a little baby and when he came over I naturally took him (the baby). Then Vinny came over and asked me jokingly if it was my child. I didn't say anything, I just kept playing with the baby, but Todd took over. He put his arm around me and said, "No. He's ours." I didn't say anything to that either. It was just a strange feeling."

I should mention that every now and then I will see Todd and burst out giggling. This is usually followed by me saying, "I can not believe that I grew up and actually married you!!" I mean that in a nice way. Really.

More Dances

Journal entry from April 13, 1991:

"We danced together ALL night.  [This isn't exactly true.  I remember specifically dancing with Maury and Vinny that night, as well.  But apparently they didn't count.]  I had a simply wonderful time.  I can't believe that it's over.  Sometimes I just wish that I could read guys' minds just to find out how they interpret a situation."

We did dance together quite a bit that night.  It was a ballroom dance.  So everything was waltzes and foxtrots and cha-chas and polkas.  There was one particular time as Todd and I were galloping around the room, he stopped and picked up a couple of daffodils from off of one of the tables and handed them to me.  Not only did I totally melt inside, but I took them home and dried them.  I kept them inside my curio cabinet with all of my precious music boxes until the summer of 1994.  I was packing my room up so my family could move to Wyoming, and I found the flowers tucked behind a music box on the top shelf.  I decided that I had been ridiculous and silly at age 15, and who needed old dried flowers from that silly Todd Smith anyway?  (By age 18, I was sooo over him.)  ;)

I totally wish I'd kept the flowers.

The Dance

This is where the story of Todd and I gets interesting.  Because at age 14 I was a great journal keeper.  I can pull out the actual overly dramatic documentation of the night, written on the very night it happened!!

(Todd hates it when I get out my journals for things like this.  He usually points out that just because I wrote it down that way, it doesn't necessarily mean it's the way that it happened.  I'm sure I recorded every detail with absolute integrity, but I'll include his disclaimer nonetheless.  Because I love him.  And he's cute when he gets all indignant about things.)

 Journal Entry from Dec. 27, 1990:

"We had a dance at North Branch tonight, but I just wasn't in the mood, so I moped around for a while.  After a while, I went out to the Clinton foyer and was looking at the bulletin board when all of a sudden a voice behind me said, 'You bored, too?'  It was Todd Smith, but he had been asleep on the couch with his back to me, so I hadn't expected to hear a voice.  Especially not his.  He was having a rotten time, too.  So, we decided to do something useful.  We grabbed some shovels and went outside to shovel snow.  Then we went in the kitchen and helped to get dessert ready.  It got me in a better mood in no time, but then he left.  It was fun, though.  I hope we can get to be friends."

Poor Todd.  He had just passed the time with me.  I decided I was head over heels "in like" with him.  At future activities we did spend more time together and got to know one another a little better.  But I had a very romantic sub-plot going on in my head.  Todd didn't.

My other girl friends from church had boys at these same dances, that they liked, so we came up with code names for all of them, so we could talk about them during early morning seminary and church without the boys from our ward knowing of whom we were speaking.  We weren't nearly as stealthy as we thought we were, but the memories sure are fun!  I have an entire folder of paper hearts, dance countdowns, and posters with lyrics to our favorite song, "Somebody" by Depeche Mode, on them.  All of them made with our respective "love" interests in mind.  We were so wonderfully silly together.  It still makes me smile to think about it.

Because of Todd, my attendance at Stake Youth Activities was 100%.  Here's an entry from the Valentine's Dance in 1991:

"Tonight was the Valentine's Dance!  [Todd] and I had an awesome time. .. We were being quite immature the whole night....He's so fun to be around.  We sat next to each other at Friendly's after the dance  and had a blast....When it was time to leave Friendly's he got up and gave me a hug, but I couldn't get really 'into it' 'cause his Mom was standing right there watching us.  However, when I was just about to leave I told him to give me a hug.  He said he already had, but he gave me one anyway.  It was a 10 as far as hugs go, and even after I let go he kept his head on my shoulder.  It must've looked like more than it was because Brother Clegg on his way by said, 'Keep it up, Todd.'  It was a wonderful night."

Wow.  More embarrasing journal entries later.  I was extremely prolific about Todd from January to June of 1991.  After that...not so much.  ;)

Boys Who Sing

My Dad was in the Stake Presidency when I was a little girl. Basically, that meant that he had lots of church meetings and had to travel around to all the congregations within the stake. Sometimes my Mom and I would go with him.

One Sunday in particular, we went to the ward (congregation) that Todd attended.  After the main meeting (Sacrament Meeting), the children go to Primary.  There are lessons and singing and all sorts of good things.  Anyway, that day in primary the music leader was introducing a new song called "Love is Spoken Here".    I loved learning new songs.  It was like having a puzzle dangled in front of me.  I HAD to solve it.  So, I paid very close attention to everything that was taught.  (This paid off, because they didn't start teaching it in my ward until the next month.  And I totally knew it already.)  The girls sing the first verse of the song and the boys sing the second verse, then join together to sing the third verse.

  There are some wards where the little boys are very enthusiastic singers.  Then there is the majority.  So, my seven year old self was very interested in the melodious singing coming from the opposite side of the room.

I craned my neck around to see eight year old Todd Smith.  I remember thinking, "Hm.  He's a really good singer.  That's Todd.  I remember him.  He cries when he gets teased."

I should mention that he didn't look at me once.  Nor does he remember this event at all.  Nor did he remember that I was even at Treasure Island all those years before.

He does, however, remember our anniversary.  And my birthday....um, usually.

The next time I saw Todd Smith, I was 14 and he was 15.  But that will be tomorrow's story.

The Meeting

At the end of this month, Todd and I will have been married for TEN YEARS.

Frankly, I find this unbelievable, but then I look at the fact that we have an 8 and a half year old.

The other day I mentioned something about Todd to a friend and he said, "Where did you find this guy?"

My response: "Girl's Camp"

Naturally.

People usually stare for a minute while they try to process the next thing to say to a response like that.

For those of you who don't know, Girl's Camp is a five day camping experience for all the young women, ages 12-18, from our church. Several congregations (called "wards") from a geographic area (called "stake") gather together to do such a camp. The summer of 1980, my mother and Todd's mother had both been asked to be leaders for the camp. Several of the leaders brought their families to the camp the weekend before all the girls arrived, so they had extra man-power to help set everything up and get it ready for the invasion of giggling teenage girls that would follow.

Camp was at a small island in the Delaware River called "Treasure Island", if you can believe such a thing. Todd and I both have memories of travelling from the NJ side of the river to the island with all our stuff in green boats driven by boy scouts.

I was four. Todd was five. Todd's older sister, Melanie, was there also. (I wonder if his younger brother was there, too... I don't remember him being there, but he was a toddler at the time. Hm.) Melanie had beautiful long blond hair. I wanted pretty long hair more than anything else, but my mean mother wouldn't let me have it because I refused to let her brush it. (Ha!! I showed you, MOM! I've had long hair for years, and I DON'T BRUSH IT. So There.) Anyway, I spent the weekend following Melanie and her pretty long hair around. Melanie's favorite game seemed to be, "Let's make Todd cry." It looked like fun to me, so I joined right in.

So my earliest memories of my husband are of him being a cry baby. ;) (I suppose by right, his earliest memories of me should be me being mean, but fortunately he has a spotty memory.)

One morning he and his Dad went down to the showers. The walls didn't go all the way down to the cement floor, which meant that Melanie and I could grab at Todd's ankles from the outside while he tried to take a shower. I remember running away through the woods with Todd's Dad yelling at us to "Cut it out!" and Todd crying. Melanie and I giggled the whole way.

The Sunday that we were up there, we had an outdoor church service where Todd, Melanie, and I sang "I Am A Child of God" for all the adults. I'm sure that we were adorable. I do remember thinking that it was very pleasant to sing with a boy who wasn't afraid to sing out AND sing in tune. (Even then, I was snobby about that sort of thing.)

And that was it. My Dad and I went home and Todd Smith didn't come back on my radar again until I was seven and he was eight.

But that will be a story for tomorrow.