Conversations with Smiths- Part 24 or "My Son is the Interpretive Dance Penis in the High School Musical"

Hello, do you think that you could give me Bens phone number so I can get Pippin info?

Oh wait, does he have a phone?

He has no phone number. He is in the wind. Much like the anatomy he will be playing on stage.

Conversations with Smiths- Part 22

I've mentioned before that an alternate title to "Conversations with Smiths" could easily be "Poor Todd". Bless the man and all that he puts up with from the rest of us.

Also, for the record, and for context. Benjamin is totally better at doing make-up than I am. Not that it's a high bar or anything. In fact, a toddler could step over it. He's been doing dance and theater since Kindergarten, though, so he's a pro. Other than the occasional swipe of mascara and lip balm, I just don't wear it often enough to be good at application. My sisters who are makeup experts look at my blank face with lamentation whenever we go to visit them.

However, make-up is necessary on stage, darn it.  So a few times a year, I have to suck it up and paint my face.

Me: Benjamin, I'm going to a stage make up workshop in a couple of weeks.

B: Oh! Will they be doing age makeup??

Me: No. They're doing "looking fabulous when you dance on stage" makeup.

B: Hm. [Knowing he doesn't actually need that.]

Me: Could be useful for you.

B: Well, I guess if you won't let me be a stripper, drag could be the way to go.

Me: Drag is much classier than stripping. You have to entertain, not just titillate.

B: Good point. And to do good drag, Brendan said you need to know how to do your contour makeup correctly.

Me: True. Although, you're welcome, for those already fabulous cheekbones you have. Anyway, it's good to keep your career options open, right?

Todd: SHHHH!! Will you two behave? We're at church!

(Church hadn't started yet, btw, but we were probably not adding to the overall reverence of the pre-service ambiance.)

Conversations with Smiths- Part 21

I have a difficult time paying attention in church. Okay, I have a difficult time paying attention anywhere. Benjamin and I sitting next to one another is a particularly bad combination. Sometimes Todd separates the two of us if a speaker is particularly challenging to listen to.

It's a problem.

Adding to the problem is that our current congregation has a tradition of being pretty lousy at special programming for major holidays. Perhaps it feels worse for Todd and me because we grew up in churches with fabulous holiday programming. We've been here eleven years, you'd think we'd stop getting our hopes up by now. But, no.

This past Sunday was particularly painful because one of the few Christmas carols we were going to sing as a congregation was skipped when the undoubtedly nervous speaker rushed to the podium and began speaking before the organist made it to the organ. So the Bishopric let her talk and decided to skip the hymn altogether.

I was not pleased. And then the speaker as she told a scripture story described some of the people as "not righteous and wicked".

And Benjamin and I went into "we have the attention span of gnats and are obnoxious to boot" mode and this happened.


Benjamin: #NotRighteous #Wicked 

Me: #SameThing #Redundant

Benjamin: #SacramentMeetingTalk

Me: #NotReallyPayingAttention #ShouldBeSingingTheFirstNoel #Bitter

Todd [leaning over in between Benjamin and me]: #SHHHH!

Benjamin: #Roasted #DadBurn

Conversations with Smiths- Part 20

'Tis the Season for White Elephant gift exchanges!

Todd and I used to attend so many of these each year, that I began keeping a box in the basement full of things to give at such a party. That way throughout the year as I was cleaning out, I could easily donate to the box and then not have to scramble to find something ridiculous the day before the party. It was already in my handy-dandy box!

We haven't really gone to as many of the type of parties where white elephant gifts are exchanged over the last few years, which means I haven't really looked in the box for a while.

Last night my boys informed me that after the play they were going to, the party was going to have a white elephant exchange and what on earth could they possibly give???

They looked amazed when I told them of "The Box". Without checking the contents, I brought it upstairs and put it on the table so they could find what they wanted, which is how the following conversation happened:

Benjamin: Are those condoms??

Me: Crap! Yes. But, you can NOT give condoms past their expiration date as a white elephant present!

Nathaniel: But, why not? That would be hysterical!

Me: You can NOT give out expired condoms to anybody, but especially teenagers.

Benjamin: Because they're not as effective. Ha! They're even "ultra-thin", so twice as likely to break!

Nathaniel: But white elephant gifts are supposed to be useless. So, why can't we give those?

Me: Nathaniel, teenagers who are in possession of a condom and also in need of a condom aren't very likely to double check the expiration date in the heat of the moment.

Nathaniel: Hm. Well, most of them are too young to be having sex anyway. 

Me: Yes, but if you take 36 condoms to a party, odds are good they aren't all going home with the same person. Also, you are a freshman. Do you really want the rest of your high school career to be colored with the memory of you as "that kid who brought 36 expired ultra-thin trojans" to a party?

[Me quickly scrambling through box to make sure there's nothing else inappropriate for them to take.]

Me: Good grief, there are so many condoms in this box!!

Nathaniel: That's honestly something I never expected to hear my mother say. 

Me: Then you haven't known your mother very long.

Benjamin: Nathaniel, you should just take the bottle of hot sauce called "Rectal Rocket Fuel".

Nathaniel: I don't know. That's kind of embarrassing. 

Conversations with Smiths- Part 19

Benjamin has been doing ballet for 5 or 6 years now, but other forms of dance for far longer. His ballet teachers have been trying to convince him of "proper ballet attire" for nearly as long. Since all the other dance forms he does are far more casual, he resists. Oh, he'll don a white t-shirt, and maybe some black athletic pants if black ones happen to be clean, but black ballet tights and a dance belt? No.

Just no.

[A dance belt, btw, is a balladore's version of a jock strap. Imagine, however, that a jock strap and a thong got together and hybridized. Visual confirmation NSFW.]

I am sure I'm biased, but Benjamin is a beautiful ballet dancer. (So is Caleb, but Caleb totally doesn't care about ballet other than to torture his poor teacher.) I can't be totally biased, though, because one of Benjamin's current ballet instructors wants him to audition for a summer ballet intensive that he seems to think Benjamin will have no trouble both being accepted in to and given a big scholarship to attend.

My son is feeling very flattered at the idea of such a thing and is planning on auditioning at one of the regional auditions in a couple of months. His teacher pulled him aside last week and said, "So, you know you're going to have to wear ballet tights and a dance belt to audition, right?" While I wasn't there for this conversation, I have this teacher for a dance class also, and I can imagine the gleam in his eye as he said it. There was probably internal clapping going on, too, as he thought, "Aha! I got him! He'll HAVE to come to class properly dressed NOW!"

This was the conversation Benjamin and I had following:

B: Mr. Adam says I need dance tights and a belt for the audition.

Me: Did he cackle maniacally as he told you? Or say, "Neener neener neener?"

B: No.

Me: You know he was doing it on the inside. 

B: Yeah.

Me: The time has come, my son.

B: It is the coming of the great and dreadful day of the dance belt!

Me: You poor thing.

B: There shall rain down hellfire and brimstone and dancebelts!

Me: I'm sure it's not that bad.

B: I don't even know if everything will stay in place given my lack of bottom.

Me: Maybe it will help your bottom look better.

B: I'll be in tights

Me: Yes. Well, we'll have to make time to go shopping for dance belts and tights one of these days.

B: Hellfire and brimstone and dancebelts. [heavy sigh]

Conversations with Smiths-Part 13

I have always claimed to know nothing about football. It's not a baseless claim, despite the fact that I was in marching band for 2 years of high school and therefore attended all the Friday night football games.

Also, despite the fact that I dated a football player (although, it was off-season). He was very nice about and I think even a little amused by my ignorance of the sport. I regularly referred to him as My Big Dumb Jock, and he was nice enough not to point out that in this particular area, I was the dumb one.

And then in college I was surrounded by other music majors. The majority of us had been in marching bands, but we didn't talk about football. Until I started dating a guy (also a music major) my sophomore year who was appalled at my lack of football knowledge. We started dating in November, and he almost immediately began trying to teach me about it. I was not an enthusiastic student. I did, however, agree to watch the SuperBowl that year. I brought homework to do and only really looked up during the commercials, such was my enthusiasm for the event. 

He managed to teach me one thing. I think we were at a diner when it finally sunk in. There may have been sugar packets involved in the explanation. But, the one piece of football knowledge I have retained is this: A sack is when the quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage. 

At the wedding of this ex-boyfriend, my husband actually thanked him for working so hard to teach me that one thing, because he wasn't getting anywhere with furthering my football knowledge.

That's it. That's all I know. I know the definition of a sack. It's like my party trick. I now live in a land obsessed with college football, and when accused of knowing nothing, I pull out my one piece of knowledge. (Also, I knew that this year OSU managed to do very well with their 3rd string quarterback. But you can't really live here and NOT know things like that.)

Or at least I THOUGHT that was all I knew. Until last night.

Benjamin: So, while I was sitting outside the trainer's icing, I heard this really weird thud come from the football field and there was our one shining hope for a decent football season. He's an incredible linebacker and now it looks like he's out for the season!

Me: Oh, no! What happened? 

Benjamin: They think his ankle is fractured. It was an incredibly hard sack.

Me: [getting all excited!] But that wasn't a sack. He's not the quarterback.

Benjamin: Yeah, but it doesn't always have to be the quarterback for it to be a sack.

Todd: [reading the definition of "sack" from my phone] "Sack-In American football and Canadian football, a sack occurs when the quarterback (or another offensive player acting as a passer) is tackled behind the line of scrimmage before he can throw a forward pass.

Me: Yes, but linebacker isn't an offensive position.

Benjamin: [glowers at me]

Me: Face it. I know more about football than you. [I totally don't, but it's fun to egg him on.]

Benjamin: You really don't, Mom.

Me: Apparently, today I do.

Benjamin: Okay, what's a wide receiver?

Me: Someone who catches the ball...you know, but far away from things.

Benjamin: I'm just not going to talk anymore.

At which point Todd and I high-fived and we continued with dinner. Also, it should be noted that I had NO IDEA that I knew what linebackers and wide-receivers were! They must put something in the water in Columbus....

Conversations with the Smiths- Part 12

Me: "So, tonight Benjamin has to be at the church at 6:15 to go over the music for the choir on Sunday, then Caleb has scouts there at 7, and the older boys have to go over to Rosie's house for the campfire, also at 7. AND Nathaniel's hippie commie high school parent meeting is also at 7. So, I'll take the kids at 6:15, leave Caleb there at 6:50, take the other boys over to the campfire, then go to the parent meeting. Can you just go and catch the first 10 minutes until I get there, and then you can pick up all the boys and take Benjamin to dance?

Todd: Or.....I could just go to the parent meeting.

Me: WHAT???? After what happened the last time I sent you to a parent meeting at the beginning of the school year??

[It was before preschool for the same child that is now starting high school. But still, he told me nothing and I spent the whole year in utter confusion. The teachers and parents would look at me perplexed and say, "But we covered this at the parent meeting at the beginning of the year. Don't you remember?" Grrrrrr.]

Todd: That was a LONG time ago!!

Me: He skipped two grades in the meantime. It wasn't THAT long ago!

Todd: I promise I'll take notes.

Me: Hm. You promise?

Todd: Yes

Me: Really good notes?

Todd: sigh YES

Me: Fine. I guess you can go instead. But they'd better be excellent notes!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue: Not only did he take good notes, he took them in Google Drive, so he could share the file with me. He brought me the dates and agenda AND he even asked a clarifying question or two that he knew I'd want the answer to.  He has redeemed himself nicely. Although, when I asked if he wanted to go to the regular high school parent meeting tonight since I went last year for the other son, he totally balked. Ah, well.

Conversations with Smiths- Part 10

Remember yesterday when I mentioned that we tend to get a leeetle bit off track during scripture study time?

We had just read this scripture:

18 Lift up thine eyes round about and behold; all these gather themselves together, and they shall come to thee. And as I live, saith the Lord, thou shalt surely clothe thee with them all, as with an ornament, and bind them on even as a bride. [1 Nephi 21:18, but quoting Isaiah 49]

Nathaniel: Is this scripture telling us to tie up our wives?

Todd: What?

Caleb: Hey, Dad, I guess you need to tie up Mom.

Todd to me: What is he talking about?

Me: Binding up brides, naturally.

Todd: Um, Ok.

Me: Ha. Good luck.

Benjamin: That's true. If Mom doesn't want to be tied up, there's no way Dad would be able to do it.

Nathaniel: Mom would beat you up if you tried, Dad.

Caleb: Yeah. Mom would win.

Todd: [who thought he was being too quiet for the kids to hear, waggles his eyebrows at me] Well, I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.

Me: [Smirking at him with one eyebrow raised] You don't know everything about my past.

Benjamin: [The one sitting furthest from us, but the only one who heard] Ahh! [Looking completely horrified! Eyes bulging wide open, face frowning, and then curling himself into a ball on the couch to whimper.] Don't want to know! Don't even want to think about it! Aahhahahaha! Scarred for life. Life, I tell you!

Todd: Oh, stop. We're your parents. We have sex. Get over it.

Benjamin: Ahhhh! Make it stop!!!

Nathaniel: And THEN you can use the tied up brides as Christmas trees; you know, with all the ornaments you hang on them after you bind them up.

Me: PLEASE, stop talking, Nathaniel.

Todd: [snapping the scriptures closed and sighing peevishly] I guess we're done with scriptures for tonight. I don't know why I even bother some nights. [looking at all of us who are giggling and snorting]

And again we must say, Poor Todd.

Conversations with Smiths- Part 9

We Smiths spend a lot of our family together time in three places; the car en route to wherever, the dinner table, and in the living room for family scripture study and then family prayers.

Family scripture study is a challenge for any family for a number of reasons. It's difficult to get everyone in the same place at the same time. Also, it's difficult to read when you have family members of all different ages and reading/comprehension levels.

In our case, though, the problem seems to be that it's a problem because we're all together. Once one person loses it, everyone but Todd quickly follows leaving him to try desperately to rein us all back in, poor man.

Tonight was a good example.  While reading Isaiah 49, we got a little, um, distracted.

Caleb: In Primary a few weeks ago, they asked us which of the 10 commandments we knew. I said, "THOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Me: Did anyone get it?

Caleb: [Name of one of his friends] got it. But none of the other kids...But all the guy teachers laughed a lot.

Benjamin: Yeah, knowing the men who are teaching in primary, I can totally see that. Except maybe for Brother A. I don't know if he would have...nah, I mean he's seen Zombie Prom, surely he's seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

Nathaniel: "You shall not pass" is from "The Lord of the Rings"!! [He was totally appalled at his brother for not remembering this, btw.]

Benjamin: Oh, yeah! Eh. Same difference.

Caleb: Right, like when Galdalf used the Holy Hand Grenade to defeat the Balrog!

Me: Or when the Eagles saved everyone from the killer bunny!

Nathaniel: Or when the Ents-

Me: The Ents who say "Ni!"

Nathaniel: Right, when the Ents who say "Ni" kill the Balrog, because Ganldalf counted to 4 with the Holy hand grenade, and then turned into Gandalf the White.

Caleb: And then Gandalf stood on the bridge asking everyone what their favorite color was.

Benjamin: Grey! No, White! Ahhhhhh!

Nathaniel: Actually, the Ents who say Ni, killed the Beast of Ahhhhhh, too.

Todd: [Groaning]  Guys, come on! Can we please focus, here??

All of us: [Still laughing]

Poor Todd.

Conversations with Smiths- Part 8

This picture has nothing to do with the story. But it amuses me.

In the car driving home from the orthodontist:

Benjamin: [grabbing MY water bottle] Thirsty!

Me: You know that's empty, right?

Benjamin: [looking sad and dejected] Stupid heavy metallic water bottles. They trick me every time!! I'm SOOOOOO thirsty!

Nathaniel: [practically drawling with dryness] Just drink your tears, Benjamin. Drink your tears of sadness.

Conversations with Smiths- Part 7

At the dinner table:

Benjamin: Smock, smock, smock!

Nathaniel: Smock, smock, smock, smock, smock smock!

Caleb: Smock, smock, smock, smock, smock, smock, smock!

Me: STAAAAAAAHHHHHPPP!!!

Todd: [looking at me confused] What's wrong with you?

Me: ALL DAY LONG they've been following me around saying the word, "Smock"!! I've never had a problem with that word before, but now all of a sudden it's like nails on a chalkboard for me!!

All the children: smock, smock, smock, smock!!

Me: AHHH! [covering my ears and shuddering]

Todd: Why are you guys saying, "Smock"?

Benjamin: [Explains cartoon above, since he'd been reading the entire Calvin and Hobbes collection]

Nathaniel: we also discovered another word that works. Watch this!

All the children: Quark, quark, quark, [ etc.]

Me to Todd: That one doesn't bother me as much. It just sounded like I was being followed around by a bunch of baby ducks. Also, this is why I look like I do at the end of the day when you get home from work.

All the children: [look smugly satisfied with themselves for nearly driving their mother crazy]

Todd: You need a swear jar.

Me: Ooo! 25 cents per smock! I like it!

Nathaniel: I do not agree to these terms.

Caleb: Mom, we could also make it so you have to put money in for all your British curse words. You know, since you were supposed to stop saying them before we go to England. [looking at me knowing full well I really haven't stopped at all.]

Benjamin: [counting on his fingers, presumably up to $1] Smock, smock, smock, smock!

Caleb: quark!

Me: [softly pounding head on table.]

Conversations with Smiths- Part 6

I'm a fan of good vocabulary words. As is my sweet husband.

He used to have a word of the week he would hang up on the inside of our front door for the kids to learn and use, so dedicated to the task of making sure our kids had a good vocabulary was he.

The other night, I was able to teach everyone at the dinner table a new and very useful word. (It would have been exceedingly useful in Part 5 of this series of conversations)

*All names of friends have been changed to protect the identity of those who are both hot and not.

Me: Wait, so what was the name of the friend you were hanging out at the pool with last night? I thought that was John, the human bologna.

Benjamin: No! That was Joe.

Me: Really? Who's the human bologna, then? 

Benjamin: Jay.

Me: Hm. Oh, wait. Joe is the one who is bff's with Mellie who is a total diva and Brady doesn't get along with at all, right?

Benjamin: Exactly. Joe is Michael's brother.

Me: Michael who?

Benjamin: You know, the one who played the older brother in the first show we did this year?

Me: Really?? Wow. Poor Joe.

Todd: Why poor Joe?

Benjamin: Because Michael is hot.

Me: And Joe just...isn't. He's squidgier.

Benjamin: Yeah. Michael is fine.

Me: And callipygian.

Caleb: What does that mean?

Me: Callipygian: having well-formed buttocks.

Benjamin: He really does.

Me to Todd: He really does.

Todd: [shaking his head at the both of us]

Nathaniel: Is this discussion really happening? And why do you know this word?

Me: I read. It's a good word to know. Now that you know it, I expect you to use it in conversation this week.

Nathaniel: I don't think I have those kinds of conversations.

[We then went on to use the word at least a dozen more times in context before dinner was over. Vocabulary for the win! Incidentally, Caleb has been the best at incorporating it into his vocabulary.]

Conversations with the Smiths- Part 5

Benjamin is kind of an amazing dancer. While I have rhythm, there is no grace from me. Todd was graceful once upon a time, but lacking in physical confidence. Benjamin has neither of these problems.

I have long told Benjamin that he has to take at least one dance class throughout high school regardless of his busy schedule, just so when he's in college he can get a part time job at a local dance studio teaching.

When I mentioned this to a friend of mine who has 4 daughters who dance, she said, "Oh! I'd never thought of that! That's a much better option than using the skill set to strip!"

We laughed, but I later mentioned the conversation to Benjamin.

While we were at the grocery store.

Ballet Boy.

The conversation between he and I afterwards went something like this as we were standing in line:

Me: Look, all I'm saying is that we've invested thousands of dollars  and hours over the years in dance classes and you have a skill set that you can use to help you earn money in college. You might as well get some future use out of it, even if you're not going to go on professionally.

Benjamin: That's true. Although, some studios only hire if you have a degree in dance.

Me: Then don't apply for a job at those studios. There are plenty that don't do that and just look at your dancing, performing, and teaching experience.

Benjamin: [Nods while looking at the candy and gum in the check out aisle.]

Me: Just DON'T use that same skill set to be a stripper!

Benjamin: [Loading groceries on the belt and looking thoughtful] I don't know, Mom. I think I'd make a pretty good stripper.

Me: [beat...then throw my head back in laughter] Ah! Just what every mother wants to hear!

Benjamin: I've got the moves AND you know I have the abs.

Me: Yes, but you also have inherited the Smith No-Bottom. You need a good firm rump to be a good stripper.

Benjamin: I can call Great Uncle Blake and ask what exercises he uses for a better bottom. 

Me: That would be a fun phone conversation. "Hey, Uncle Blake. You don't remember me probably, but I'm your nephew Todd's son and remember when at that family reunion my Mom joked you all had the same Smith-No-Bottom, you showed yours off and said 'Not me, I have exercises for that!'? Yeah. I need the exercises. Why? Oh, to further my stripping career."

Benjamin: Hm. Maybe Dad could call for me.

Me: Yeah, cuz that would be less awkward. Seriously, though, No stripping.

Benjamin: I bet the money's better.

Me: I'm sure. But you have no bottom, so it's a moot point.

Benjamin: WHY do you know about what male strippers are supposed to look like??

Me: Oh, look. The car. Quick put the groceries in so we can get home before the ice cream melts!

Conversations with the Smiths- Part 4

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with having all my kids home for the summer. On the one hand, it's a lot of fun to be together...mostly. We end up enjoying one another's company more than we're able to during the hustle and bustle of the school year. There is time to make music together, cook together and play together. On the other hand there is also time to get on one another's nerves.

Constant exposure to the humor of males ages 11, 12, and 15 means that my own juvenile sense of humor is even worse than usual in the summer.

Two conversations to highlight this point.

Have you ever seen this toy?

My family got addicted to it during our last visit to California, so we gifted Todd with it for Father's Day. (He was the most addicted.) It's a puzzle that is bizarrely difficult for something sold in a toy section of stores. Anyway, since it's summer and we have time, all the kids have been working with it. Benjamin when the ball drops out of the maze making it so he has to start all over again responds the frustration by banging his forehead on the ball. Leading to this discussion:

Todd: Guys, time for scriptures and prayers!

Me: Why is the ball all wet?

Todd: I wiped it off before since it was kind of dirty.

Benjamin: From my greasy forehead.

Me: Why?

Nathaniel: Benjamin has a problem with sticking his forehead on balls.

[silence]

Me and Todd: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Todd: [getting himself in control] Okay. Does everyone have scriptures?

Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Benjamin: Oh my gosh, Mom! You are so immature!

Nathaniel: I didn't actually mean it that way [though looking smug that I'm still laughing]

Me: [Wiping the tears from my face and still unable to stop laughing]

Todd: [Only slightly exasperated at trying to reel the other adult in the room back in] Emilia, why don't you read first?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Watermelon is one of my favorite things about summer. I routinely chop a melon in half and just eat that with a spoon for breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Benjamin has been giving me a run for my money this summer though, and will often steal the other half of the watermelon from me.

Half Dollar Hot Dog Night is one of my other favorite things about summer. And while it is lovely to have cheap hot dogs and drinks at the pool every Tuesday, I like to take some fruit to help round out the meal a bit.

The other day as we were getting ready to go to the pool, I asked Benjamin for help.

Me: Here, take this tool and grab a tupperware and scoop out enough watermelon for us tonight.

Benjamin: [Taking one look at the melon ball tool and then the watermelon, then adopting his best surfer boy accent] Dude. Ballin'!

-------------------------------------------------
There are way too many jokes about balls going on this summer. Lilyanna and I and our delicate feminine natures may be forever scarred. ;)

Conversations with the Smiths- Part 3

Our 15 year old was in a production of "Zombie Prom" this Spring.

Lilyanna was particularly fascinated by the whole idea of the show and kept asking how the main character, Jonny, becomes a zombie.

My kid is the one who is not green.

Both Benjamin and I had explained that he drives his motorcycle into a Power Plant but instead of dying, he turns into a zombie.

Weeks later, after seeing the posters for the show, meeting some of the other kids involved in the production, and hearing a bit more about the story line, Lilyanna piped up from the backseat of the van saying, "So, are they going to use a real bush in the play?"

Me: What do you mean?

Lilyanna: In "Zombie Prom", when he jumps into the power plant, will it be a real bush or a fake one?

Me: Um....OHHHH! Not THAT kind of plant, Lilyanna!

Benjamin and Me: [fumbling explanation of what a power plant is while trying to not laugh too hard. We didn't want to hurt her feelings, after all.]

Conversations with the Smiths- Part 2

I've already told this one on facebook, so sorry if it's a repeat to you, but it's a great snapshot into the psyche of 12 year old Nathaniel these days. That is to say disturbing and brilliant.

A few weeks ago at the dinner table Nathaniel jokingly said that he had a wife and 19 kids, then a few minutes later referred to his wife and 17 kids.

Me: Wait. What happened to the other two kids? You said 19 before. Now there are only 17?

Nathaniel: [Not evening missing a beat] Soylent Green baby food. Obviously.

Me: [Alternating wildly between being completely appalled and completely proud and amused by my son's wit played out with slightly guilty and uncontrollable laughter]

Nathaniel: Speaking of Soylent Green, do you think they mix the eyeballs right in, or save those for other things?

Benjamin: Like what?

Nathaniel: Salads?

Me: Actually, the sclera makes it very difficult to cut into an eyeball.

Everyone at the table: [Looks at my remark with horror (except Nathaniel, who is intrigued)]

Benjamin: WHY do you know that??

Nathaniel: Like how difficult?

Me: Well-

Todd: COULD WE PLEASE NOT DISCUSS THIS AT THE DINNER TABLE??

Me: Hm. 

Caleb: [Singing] "You know we love our Soylent Green!"

Everyone at the table except Todd who was looking for a Tupperware in the kitchen so he could pack his lunch for the next day and possibly avoiding us and the current dinner conversation: "Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime!"

This song is the reason my kids even know what Soylent Green is. (Spoiler alert: "It's people!")

Conversations with the Smiths- Part 1

I need a place to record a few conversations we've had so far this summer. 

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in months. First was my typical spring twitterpation beginning in April which left me completely blissed out and high on life, green things, pollen, warmth and sunlight. Who needs sleep with such a potent combination? 

Then there was a medical scare in the family that left me unable to sleep for worrying. 

Then it was stumbling into the rabbit hole that is fanfiction. So, reading won out over sleeping.

Last night, I couldn't sleep because I was giggling remembering some of the aforementioned conversations. I was actually laying in bed in our darkened room next to my sleeping husband and giggling. I finally gave up on sleep and went downstairs to clean up the mess my children recently made of all the photo albums.  

I should have just sat down last night and written this then, instead, I stayed up until 3am when I couldn't read or walk in a straight line anymore. I miss being able to fall asleep at normal times.

Onto the conversations, though. This one from the last day of school, whilst sitting around the dinner table. [On the last day of school, our high school theater director puts up partial cast lists and names all 10ish shows for the following school year.]

Todd to Benjamin: So what are the shows for next year?

Benjamin: [Lists a bunch] and "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee"

Todd: Oh, you should totally sing the erection song!!

Me: That's what I told him, when I heard the show list!

Benjamin: Um...okay.

Nathaniel: [Horrified gasping that his parents are discussing erections at the dinner table]

Me: Every kid wants to hear their parents tell them to sing a song about erections, right?

Todd: To be fair, I just meant that it's a really good song for a tenor. 

Benjamin: [Trying desperately to refocus the conversation] Well, I'm excited!

Me: I guess you'd have to be to sing a song about erections...

Nathaniel: [Moaning, blushing, and running from the table]

Me: Why isn't anyone eating the peas?

Todd: Because they're still frozen.

Me: Frozen peas are great! They were one of my favorite snacks when I was a kid.

Todd: But they're still frozen.

Me: New slogan for the pea council, "Frozen Peas! They're not just for vasectomies anymore!"

Nathaniel: [Groaning from the next room]

Appalachian Trail-Maryland Days 2 and 3

I have literally no pictures of day 2. 

The reason I have no pictures of day 2 is that we were cold, and tired, and sore, and then it started raining. Still, we met some really cool people at the shelter the night before and were ready to go our requisite 8 miles to the next shelter that day.

It started out beautifully. Lovely, easy hiking. And then we went up a huge hill that was covered in boulders top to bottom. It was really hard. The 2nd half of the trail that day was much nicer, but that's when the rain started. 

The boys did great. Really and truly great. Lilyanna did great, too, but with significantly more whining. The boys took off ahead of us at some point with the instructions to find the shelter and get set up and then head back to help with their sister. While it was just Lilyanna and I, we took A LOT of breaks. Breaks seem like a nice idea except when you're wearing a really heavy backpack. And my pack was heavier that day because I had lightened some of Benjamin's load from the day before.  

Also, while I'm sure nobody wants to hear about this, I was also dealing with some major feminine hygiene issues throughout the whole thing. Basically, I learned in great detail what NOT to do. 

Anyway, around mile 6 that day and in the rain sat down and refused to go another step. Just refused. There was weeping and wailing and howling and gnashing of teeth. I finally asked if she wanted to go home the next day. She jumped up said, "Yes, Mommy, thank you!" and practically ran the remaining miles to the shelter for that night. 

Stinker.

When we arrived, we found quite the crowd of friendly people already set up, but they made room for us and helped us get our dinner together quickly before it got too dark.  Lilyanna made friends with the only other girl there (she was in her late 20s, but Lilyanna was feeling desperate for some girl time.  The AT was a little too male-centric for her tastes.) She also announced to anyone who would listen, "Hi! I'm Lilyanna! We're backpacking, but I hate it! I just want to go back to the cheap motel and watch Food Network. I don't ever want to go backpacking again!" She said it all so cheerfully, though. Poor traumatized child. 

It was at this point that Benjamin was suddenly super in to the whole idea of backpacking since he'd been talking shop with the fellow backpackers at the shelter. Nothing like war stories and comeraderie to inspire a surly teenager. ;)

When we woke in the morning, we took our time with breakfast, gave food away to those who would still be continuing on for a few more days. Gave information to the ones who were heading north where we'd already traveled, and called for the shuttle to come pick us up. We filled up our water bottles at the spring and hiked an easy mile to the highway to get picked up.

The weather was glorious. And we were sore, but everyone was in good spirits.

I reminded myself that I wasn't a total failure. The dream of hiking the whole state was mine, not my children's, and we'd accomplished quite a bit. We were also better prepared for next time. Though my kids swear there won't be a next time, I'd like to go down to finish the state of MD and WV, perhaps in the fall. I'll take whomever wants to come with me. 

My 5 year old hiked 18 miles in 2 days. She rocks. (Even if there was lots of whining while she did it.)

Lilyanna crawled into her sleeping bag as soon as we arrived at the shelter on day 2. She ate both dinner and breakfast in "bed".

Waiting for the shuttle at the trail head. Everybody feeling very chill knowing that they were "supposed" to be walking 10 miles that day.

Favorite game? Wait until Nathaniel is sitting down. When he asks for food, throw it just out of reach and watch him flail a lot trying to grab it without taking off the pack or standing again. (Seriously. I wish I had video. It was hysterical!)

This is the only photographic evidence that I was even on this hike. 1 picture.

A little historical site-seeing was in order on our way home. Except every time we got out of the van, there was a chorus of "ooo, ow, oh, ow". We were a little stiff and sore.

Benjamin somehow forgot the belt for his hiking pants, so this is what I fashioned for him so he would stop mooning us while hiking up hills. ;) Bungee cords should be kept on hand for all backpacking emergencies.

We took our extremely stinky selves to Cracker Barrel for a meal that didn't need to be reconstituted first. And then we headed home, where were able to have a few relaxing days left of spring break.

All in all, I'm really glad we did it. We have some really fun memories and stories, and my kids know that they can do hard things. I'll force them into doing it again sometime soon, but I'll let them forget a little bit more first. ;)

Appalachian Trail-Maryland section Prep and Day 1

I think we are now sufficiently recovered from our hike to talk about it. 

I have long wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail. I would REALLY like to take a few months and do the whole thing, but alas, it is not in the cards right now. Perhaps someday, I'll do it all on my own. 

Before Lilyanna was born, I'd come up with a plan to take the boys "in a few years" and do big sections of the trail. One state at a time.  Then I got pregnant. And the timeline shifted a little bit. 

Last year, though, I read an article by some hardcore backpacker who discussed backpacking with his 5 year old son, and I realized that Lilyanna was about to be 5 and maybe we COULD do it! I did crazy amounts of research to make sure that while we would have lightweight, yet economical items. Outfitting 5 backpackers could easily have broken the bank, so I took 6 months to purchase all necessary items to help spread out the cost.

I also researched which state we would be able to complete in the 5 days we had during spring break AND that would be easy enough for my 5 year old. The Maryland section of the trail seemed to fit the bill, so that made it easier for me to narrow my research for the trip and make plans for that specific section.

The day before we left, I assembled all the food we would need for our 5 days. I will say, we probably could have gotten away with less. Even though we were hungry, we were more tired than anything else. However, it did make it so I was able to easily share with fellow hikers without worrying that we wouldn't have enough.

 We drove down to Harpers Ferry, West Virginia right after church on Sunday and checked into the a local motel to get our last night of "comfortable" sleep. Family tradition dictates that The Food Network must be watched when we stay in any hotel/motel. This we did.  After the kids went to sleep, I stayed up and went over everything again, one last time.

 And that is when I started to panic. For nearly a year, I'd been telling everyone that our trip would be fine! That there was nothing to worry about! And then all of a sudden the night before I realized that I had no bear bags or even rope with which to tie food up in a tree. Also, I noticed that right before we got there, ALL the shelters in MD had been closed for tree trimming near the shelters. This was particularly problematic because we didn't have tents. In an effort to cut our weight, and since on the MD section of the trail, you're required to sleep at shelter areas only, we didn't bring any. Because we were so early in the season, I was counting on the shelters being available. After about 30 minutes of research, I was finally able to determine that shelters had reopened the day before, so we were fine.

Still, it was a mini-panic attack in the making.

The next morning, we got dressed in our outfits, ate breakfast and did the final prep on our packs. We drove to Harpers Ferry where a shuttle picked us up and drove us to the PA/MD border about 45 miles north.  He dropped us off on the PA side, so we were able to hike 1 mile and then hit the Mason-Dixon line.

 Caleb LOVED all the rocks! There was lots of marble all over the place that made it slightly less terrible to climb over all the rocks and boulders.

 We stopped for a little trail mix and a rest, and Nathaniel fell over. Rather than put down the trail mix, and right himself, he decided it would be easier to keep lying there eating until it was time to get up and go. This is so typical Nathaniel....

 There are many pictures from the first few miles of the first day, because we were still fresh and the big nasty hills and rocks and hadn't started yet. It got so much worse so fast.

Notable things from day 1:

1.We had to cross a swollen stream about midway through the hike, which required some creativity on my part to first get my pack across and then my daughter. 

2. We hiked 10 miles the first day. The last 2 in the dark. I don't recommend it. 

3. We arrived at the shelter after dark, and were too tired to eat, so we all just went immediately to sleep.

4. I was reduced to tears only once that first day when all of the kids expressed their extreme dislike of my plans for our spring break AND then I banged my head hard on a rafter in the shelter. The rafter put me over the edge.

5. Our gear choices were excellent, and I was very pleased with how all of that turned out, specifically our clothing. 

6. Our maps did not seem to accurately reflect the mileage. It's possible we went further than 10 miles. If it was only 10 miles, it was the longest 10 miles EVER.

7. Fellow hikers of the AT are generally good people who are happy to chat, and swap stories. There's a real sense of community among the trail hikers.